Characters: Sherlock, John
Word count: Approx. 700
Summary: Proof that if given the chance, Sherlock Holmes will do the most dramatic thing possible.
Author's notes: Written for a Make Me a Monday Prompt @ sherlockbbc, which asked for “If anyone has a reason as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.” Sherlock took that as his cue to stand.
“If anyone has a reason as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Sherlock seemed to take that as his cue to stand.
“Oh, God,” John muttered. He didn't know why he thought Sherlock wouldn't do the most dramatic thing possible. He'd wondered why the hell they were even witnessing the wedding the first place. He'd fully expected Sherlock to barge in and stop the thing, not sit calmly as though they were invited guests. Sometimes it was best just not to question and go with whatever insane thing Sherlock had devised.
“I object,” Sherlock said, in a loud voice.
There was a buzzing of shock throughout the church. Hundreds of pairs of eyes looked toward Sherlock. John resisted the urge to slink down and hide under the pew.
“Er...for what reason?” The vicar asked, sounding as though he'd never actually had to deal with anyone objecting before.
“Oh, what do I start?” Sherlock said. He stepped into the aisle and started down it while he spoke. “First off, this man isn't Jake Hanson. His real name is Mortimer Smeath, which, I will allow, is a terrible name, but that's not the reason he changed it. That would be the numerous years he spent conning pensioners out of their hard-earned retirement funds. When that went south, he moved to Wales and changed his name. Too bad he didn't hide well enough that his old partner couldn't find him. Do you remember Paul Symes? You must, seeing as you shot him last week.”
The groom was looking very pale and sweaty at this point. Which actually wasn't that different, as he'd been looking pale and sweaty for the entire ceremony so far. The guests were silent in shock. Sherlock was in an his element.
“And if that weren't enough, we have your blushing bride here. She's only marrying you for your money, which isn't a crime, but that fact that's she's already very much married is. Not just a bigamist, a polygamist. There are three other husbands out there, all looking for their poor missing wife. And their money. Really, you two make an excellent couple.”
The bride was now looking around in sheer panic, clutching the skirt of her dress as though she were about to flee. There wasn't really anywhere to go, though.
And Sherlock wasn't finished. “Although, maybe you're not as happy as you'd like us to think, seeing as the groom slept with the Maid - no, sorry Matron of Honour last night. Oh, and I see by those looks the bride slept with the Best Man. Very interesting. It's probably for the best I stop this now. I'd have put money on a divorce in five years or less. Really vicar? You were thinking less that than? I'd have thought a man like you would have more faith. Oh well.” Sherlock, now at the front of the church, gave a signal. Various plainclothes Welsh policemen and women stood up around the church. “Hopefully you can get a refund on the honeymoon. You'll need the money for your trials. Mazel tov!”
Sherlock turned and walked calmly back down the aisle. There was a moment of silence as though everyone was under a spell and then the whole church burst into chatter. Within seconds there was a brawl at the front among the wedding party. John was thankful that this particular bride didn't have children for her attendants. The vicar ducked under the altar in terror. The fighting spread out into assembled guests and the police rushed around to try to break it up.
John met Sherlock at the back of the church. “Really?” he said, in a flat voice.
Sherlock shrugged, without remorse. He turned to look back at the chaos and smiled. “I've never been to a wedding before, John. It's really quite fun.” He clapped John on the shoulder and walked out of the church.
John followed him out, making a mental note that if he ever got married, he'd think long and hard before putting Sherlock Holmes on the guest list.