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08 January 2008 @ 08:11 pm
Doctor Who: Don't Pass the Salt  
Title: Do Not Pass the Salt
Rating: PG (for Captain Jack Harkness-ness)
Characters: Nine, Jack, Rose near the end
Spoilers: None
Word count: 2301
Summary: Stuck in a holding cell? Must be Tuesday.
Author's notes: Written for _medley_ who asked for Nine and Jack in a holding cell, bickering. So, I therefore present: Nine and Jack in a holding cell, bickering.



“What did I say before we left the TARDIS?” The Doctor snapped at Jack as the door to their prison cell was slammed shut.

“Go to the bathroom now because we’re not stopping?” Jack guessed. He attempted an innocent look, but didn’t really pull it off.

“No. Flirting.”

“I wasn’t!” Jack insisted. The Doctor looked at him. “I wasn’t! Really. I wasn’t. I wasn...why are the walls spinning? Is that real or is it just Fizzbanger I drank at dinner talking?”

“Stafari technology,” The Doctor explained. The walls, which were solid white and all looked the same, whirred around them like a cyclone. “So we can’t tell which one’s the door.”

“The handcuffs weren’t enough?” Jack asked. He lifted his hand and the Doctor’s foot came with it. They were connected with two blue circles of energy around a central node. One of the Doctor’s hands was likewise attached to his foot. “Enclosed space, handcuffs. You know I had a dream like this once. Involvement was less involuntary, though. Still we could make the best -” There was a buzzing sound and his and the Doctor’s free hands were pulled to the wall like magnets and stuck there by the nodes on them. “Alright, that could impede my plans slightly. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Jack!” The Doctor snapped. “D’you mind spending some of the energy being used to get into my pants on getting out of this cell? Rose is out there, alone. Alone on a planet where sneezing at an inopportune moment gets you arrested!”

“Okay, okay,” Jack said. “Take the fun out of it. What do you want me to do?”

“My sonic screwdriver’s in my back pocket,” The Doctor explained. He wiggled around a bit. “And I can’t reach it.”

“You didn’t think of that before we got stuck to the wall?”

The Doctor raised his chin. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

“So, you want me to stop trying to get into your pants and start trying to get into your pants?” Jack asked, politely. The Doctor glared at him. “Say it...”

“Yes.”

“Alright then. How double jointed are you?”

“Ow...ow....owwww!”

Jack moved to his former position and the Doctor shook out his pretzeled leg. “Alright, no gold medals for contortion here.”

He dug the heel of his free foot into the floor and tried to get his boot off. He watched the Doctor’s face as he worked. He was staring at one wall in a way that made Jack think he knew precisely which one the door was and looked troubled. He felt a surge of jealousy in his stomach and tried to reassure himself that if he was the one missing and not Rose, the Doctor would be just as concerned for him. Wouldn’t he? He hummed a little under his breath, trying to lighten up the silence.

“Black Hole: The Musical,” the Doctor muttered.

“Huh?” Jack asked.

“The song you’re humming.”

“Oh, yeah. I was in an Academy production of it. Had the lead, actually.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Sleeping with the director?”

“No...well, yes. One reviewer said I was the best Strell in three galaxies, though.”

“Sleeping with him, too?”

“No. I happen to be an excellent tap dancer.”

The Doctor snorted. Jack’s boot came off and he started work on his sock.

“I was at Opening Night, you know,” The Doctor said. “And Closing, since it only ran that one night. The original production.” His face suddenly lit up in that way it often did. Jack had privately labeled the characteristic mood change as ‘intergalactic hyperactivity’. “Worst show I ever saw. Best one too. Two hours of pure horror but that closing number...”

“Oh, the closing number,” Jack agreed. “It’s like they measured to see how long you could stand to sit there before your head exploded and then threw in the best closing number in history right at the last second.”

“Exactly. I went three times.”

Jack grinned and wiggled his now free toes. “Don’t blame you. That closing number is worth the risk of paradox.”

“Yeah, the last time I had to sit in the nosebleed seats to avoid running into myself,” The Doctor smiled. “But I moved down to the 6th balcony after half the stadium left after Act I, so it wasn’t a total loss. Not like I actually wanted to hear the first act.”

Jack hooked his leg around the Doctor’s back and felt around with his toes, trying to locate the screwdriver. “Come closer.”

“Jack...”

“So my leg will go farther around you. Okay, I admit that doesn’t sound any less kinky, but it’s for the greater good.”

The Doctor sighed and shuffled closer, Jack doing the same. He pushed up the bottom of the Doctor’s jacket with his foot and managed to get the screwdriver in between his big toe and the next. Which was when the wall opened, revealing Rose looking both amused and annoyed. She had two tall Stafarians flanking her and was wearing a jagged tiara on her head.

“Should I come back later?”

“Rose!” The Doctor exclaimed, lighting up again.

“Princess Rose,” she corrected. She struck a pose and pointed to the tiara. The nodes of the handcuffs all released simultaneously, sending limbs flopping to the floor. “These people are really nice. As long as you don’t flirt with them.”

Jack raised his now free hands in the wake of double glares from his friends. “Alright, alright, I will never pass the salt to another Stafarian for as long as I live.”

The Doctor laughed manically, a sign that all was well; in Jack’s mind, anyway. He leapt to his feet and embraced Rose hard enough to dislodge her tiara.

“Alright, your highness,” he said. “How about you abdicate your throne and we go see the best-worst musical in history?”

“Aww, but I was going to invade the next planet!” Rose whined, with one of her mischievous smiles. “I suppose I can put it off for a quick trip.”

The Doctor squeezed her again and then turned to offer Jack a hand up. “Captain?”

Jack accepted the hand. “I’ll bring the earplugs.”

“Fantastic.”
 
 
 
_medley_: nine/jack let's do it by matsujo9_medley_ on January 9th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)
Oh, this is exactly what I wanted! Thank you so much! ::bounces::

I laughed all the way through this, but this line especially got me:

“So, you want me to stop trying to get into your pants and start trying to get into your pants?” Jack asked, politely.

I think it was the "politely." And he's never passing the salt again, I adore that, too. Seriously, exactly what I wanted, and just in time to stop me feeling sorry for myself because I'm all virus-y.
donutsweeper: jack and shepdonutsweeper on January 9th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
oh this is perfect! "Princess Rose" and “Black Hole: The Musical,” It's perfect
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Black Hole: The Musical was originally from a Jack/10/Martha fic I was writing for _medley_ until I came to the conclusion I couldn't write Martha yet and ended up doing a wallpaper for her instead. Jack was singing a song from it while he worked on the TARDIS. I love John's voice so Jack is a singer in my mind.
donutsweeperdonutsweeper on January 13th, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)
They should find a reason to have Capt Jack break into song on the show!
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
Ama and I decided they need to have a musical episode of Doctor Who. I'm sure there has to be a planet out there that makes you spontaneously break into song, right?
donutsweeperdonutsweeper on January 13th, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)
If they could have a Buffy episode like that Who could certainly have one!
Taffy: Jack Loves Nine and Ten by extension77taffimai on January 9th, 2008 03:31 am (UTC)
Awwww!
AngiePenangiepen on January 9th, 2008 05:45 am (UTC)
Oh, ROFL! I haven't seen Dr. Who since the Tom Baker days, mind, and even then only bits and pieces, but I heart Torchwood. And this was great even though I'm sure I missed a bunch of in-jokes. :D

Angie
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
Well thanks for reading it, even if it isn't your fandom. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :-)
I'm a walking doodle: Twogethermad_jaks on January 9th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
Black Hole the musical cracked me up!
I mean the rest of it was priceless - the whole pretzel thing and the *waves hand and giggles* but that was the icing on the cake *G*
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
Hee, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and commenting. :D
Nona: ninerose squee!phoenix64 on January 9th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, this is great! Perfect Nine and Jack!
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm a little out of practice with my Nine, so I'm glad you like it. :-)
nightrider101nightrider101 on January 9th, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC)
*snickers* This was fun! :) Thanks for sharing.
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks for reading!
MeiLin: master--heemeilin_miranda on January 9th, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC)
Massive winnage. I'm still giggling. :)
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading! :D
Pervy Nine Fancier: rosename--viciousgurlhonorh on January 9th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
That right there--that's just priceless! The banter with the boys and Princess Rose (the Doctor, you know, is absolutely dying to find out how that happened) are just priceless. Win!
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much!
S Lynn: tauntrobling_t on January 9th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
“Go to the bathroom now because we’re not stopping?”

*splorf* And it only got better from there, wow!
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
formerly lifeinsomniacjoonscribble on January 10th, 2008 12:40 am (UTC)
Okay, most of this fic had me giggling, but this line: Okay, I admit that doesn’t sound any less kinky, but it’s for the greater good.” had me on the FLOOR.

Yes, Jack. It's all for the greater good.

HEE! Wonderful fic!!
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
Hee, I'm glad you like it. Jack is fun to write for. You can make him say anything and it's never too much or too weird. Thanks for reading! ;-)
willdewwilldew on January 10th, 2008 12:55 am (UTC)
Fantastic
Great Jack moments. The banter! And yes, Jack is very Barrowman-esque and WOULD star in musicals. :D
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Fantastic
I want to hear Jack sing. Does he sing at any point? I love John's voice. Thanks for reading! :D
nina_dS: DW happy 3nina_ds on January 10th, 2008 02:47 am (UTC)
I can just hear the Doctor saying "Don't pass the salt!" in the same, measured tone he told Rose "Don't touch the baby!"

This is wonderfully in character for all of them. Great banter, and I love the idea of Black Hole: The Musical (I'm willing to bet it's still better than Starlight Express!)
The Writer They Call Tay: DW: Rose cutieawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
(I'm willing to bet it's still better than Starlight Express!)

Bwahaha! I'm picturing sometime in the second act where the time dilation starts to kick in and everyone moves in slow motion. I think trains on roller skates is slightly better? Maybe?

Thanks for reading!
(Deleted comment)
The Writer They Call Tay: Dresden: wizard wizardingawanderingbard on January 13th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much!
aseret_kitsune: Younger Yearsaseret_kitsune on December 10th, 2008 04:51 am (UTC)
Oh, this is brilliant! I absolutely loved this. Made my day way better.^^