?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
28 March 2012 @ 09:30 am
Sherlock: Forever Hold Your Peace  
Title: Forever Hold Your Peace
Characters: Sherlock, John
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Pairings: None,
Word count: Approx. 700
Summary: Proof that if given the chance, Sherlock Holmes will do the most dramatic thing possible.
Author's notes: Written for a Make Me a Monday Prompt @ sherlockbbc, which asked for “If anyone has a reason as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.” Sherlock took that as his cue to stand.



“If anyone has a reason as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Sherlock seemed to take that as his cue to stand.

“Oh, God,” John muttered. He didn't know why he thought Sherlock wouldn't do the most dramatic thing possible. He'd wondered why the hell they were even witnessing the wedding the first place. He'd fully expected Sherlock to barge in and stop the thing, not sit calmly as though they were invited guests. Sometimes it was best just not to question and go with whatever insane thing Sherlock had devised.

“I object,” Sherlock said, in a loud voice.

There was a buzzing of shock throughout the church. Hundreds of pairs of eyes looked toward Sherlock. John resisted the urge to slink down and hide under the pew.

“Er...for what reason?” The vicar asked, sounding as though he'd never actually had to deal with anyone objecting before.

“Oh, what do I start?” Sherlock said. He stepped into the aisle and started down it while he spoke. “First off, this man isn't Jake Hanson. His real name is Mortimer Smeath, which, I will allow, is a terrible name, but that's not the reason he changed it. That would be the numerous years he spent conning pensioners out of their hard-earned retirement funds. When that went south, he moved to Wales and changed his name. Too bad he didn't hide well enough that his old partner couldn't find him. Do you remember Paul Symes? You must, seeing as you shot him last week.”

The groom was looking very pale and sweaty at this point. Which actually wasn't that different, as he'd been looking pale and sweaty for the entire ceremony so far. The guests were silent in shock. Sherlock was in an his element.

“And if that weren't enough, we have your blushing bride here. She's only marrying you for your money, which isn't a crime, but that fact that's she's already very much married is. Not just a bigamist, a polygamist. There are three other husbands out there, all looking for their poor missing wife. And their money. Really, you two make an excellent couple.”

The bride was now looking around in sheer panic, clutching the skirt of her dress as though she were about to flee. There wasn't really anywhere to go, though.

And Sherlock wasn't finished. “Although, maybe you're not as happy as you'd like us to think, seeing as the groom slept with the Maid - no, sorry Matron of Honour last night. Oh, and I see by those looks the bride slept with the Best Man. Very interesting. It's probably for the best I stop this now. I'd have put money on a divorce in five years or less. Really vicar? You were thinking less that than? I'd have thought a man like you would have more faith. Oh well.” Sherlock, now at the front of the church, gave a signal. Various plainclothes Welsh policemen and women stood up around the church. “Hopefully you can get a refund on the honeymoon. You'll need the money for your trials. Mazel tov!”

Sherlock turned and walked calmly back down the aisle. There was a moment of silence as though everyone was under a spell and then the whole church burst into chatter. Within seconds there was a brawl at the front among the wedding party. John was thankful that this particular bride didn't have children for her attendants. The vicar ducked under the altar in terror. The fighting spread out into assembled guests and the police rushed around to try to break it up.

John met Sherlock at the back of the church. “Really?” he said, in a flat voice.

Sherlock shrugged, without remorse. He turned to look back at the chaos and smiled. “I've never been to a wedding before, John. It's really quite fun.” He clapped John on the shoulder and walked out of the church.

John followed him out, making a mental note that if he ever got married, he'd think long and hard before putting Sherlock Holmes on the guest list.
 
 
 
justjuly4justjuly4 on March 28th, 2012 04:28 pm (UTC)
OMG! Amazingly funny. Sherlock is soooooo Sherlock!
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Sherlock shockawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This is the first time I've taken bitchy!Sherlock out for a spin, so I'm glad you think it worked. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Gunbunny: holmes lestrade gratificationburntcopper on March 28th, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
:snort: awesome. with that lovely addition of the plainclothes amongst the aongregation.
The Writer They Call Tay: Sherlock: Lestrade shadesawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Marita Covarrubias: Sherlock1marita_c on March 28th, 2012 07:38 pm (UTC)
Lol. Brilliant. Oh Sherlock, always such a drama queen.
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:26 pm (UTC)
He really is, isn't he? And that's why we love him. :-D Thanks for reading and commenting!
obsessionalityobsessionality on March 28th, 2012 10:04 pm (UTC)
Oh god. I see this happening. I see this becoming a routine time-pass for Sherlock. I see the priests and nuns in every single church in London trembling in fear every time Sherlock Holmes stalks over their threshold. I see them thinking about giving John a sainthood for putting up with the man. <3
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:28 pm (UTC)
LOL! And John getting text messages: "BRB, bored, going to ruin some weddings. Buy milk." :D

Thanks for reading and commenting!
Kekia: Horta heart devil dark trekkekiia on March 28th, 2012 10:33 pm (UTC)
*stifling giggles* Absolutely perfect!
I love how the whole wedding was basically a huge jumble of crimes and infidelity - something Sherlock would undoubtedly be drawn to pick apart with the most pinpoint timing and dramatic flare possible~ xD
Brilliant fill! Thanks for sharing! :D
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Sherlock shockawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:29 pm (UTC)
I originally only had the groom being a jerk, but then I felt bad for ruining the bride's day, so I decided everyone involved should be jerks. Because that would make everything better? Or something. :-) I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the lovely prompt!
Sam Sisayhangitup_baby on March 28th, 2012 10:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, Sherlock! You couldn't resist, could you?
Too funny! Loved it!
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:29 pm (UTC)
He really, really couldn't. :-) Thanks for reading and commenting!
Oagentotter on March 28th, 2012 11:12 pm (UTC)
Hah, that was awesome! He really does have a flair for the dramatic. He could make objecting to weddings sort of a hobby. ;D
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:32 pm (UTC)
I can totally picture a bored Sherlock trolling through London churches, looking for weddings to object to. And being really disappointed when he finds a happy couple he can't complain about. :-D

Thanks for reading and commenting!
formerly lifeinsomniac: SherlockChaseScenejoonscribble on March 29th, 2012 04:27 am (UTC)
Oh hilarity! Your Sherlock is so so wonderful in his bastardly ways!
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:33 pm (UTC)
Hehe! Thanks! I haven't written bitchy!Sherlock before and for all the trouble I normally have writing him, I couldn't get him to shut up here. I don't know what that says about me...

Thanks for reading and commenting, dear!
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on March 29th, 2012 05:56 am (UTC)
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! This is now my head canon.
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 29th, 2012 12:33 pm (UTC)
Hehe! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and commenting!
rodlox: going to hugrodlox on March 30th, 2012 02:50 pm (UTC)
I'm afraid to say, John, that I don't think Sherlock would let a little quibble like "not being invited" stop him.

excellent fic. very full of "oh dear, what's he going to say now?"...quite liked John's feelings at points throughout.

though my Murphy muse is saying "You think that was embarassing, John, you should try attending a wedding with Harry."

again, brava!
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Watson giggleawanderingbard on March 30th, 2012 09:16 pm (UTC)
Hehe, you're right. Sherlock Holmes needs no invitation. :D

Fair enough, Murphy. At least Sherlock doesn't blow things up. Unless he means to.

Thanks, hun!
rodlox: laughingrodlox on March 31st, 2012 12:15 am (UTC)
now my Sherlock muse is saying "invitation, restraining order, same thing."
to which Watson muse says "nooo, NOT same thing."


my Dresden muse says "hey, did I or did I not apologize? and the cat's hair grew back."


welcome.
rubyofkukundu: sherlockrubyofkukundu on March 30th, 2012 06:26 pm (UTC)
Ahaha. I can easily see Sherlock doing this. Brilliant.
The Writer They Call Tay: SHERLOCK: Sherlock shockawanderingbard on March 30th, 2012 09:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Astoundingly fond of avocados and rainy weather.: BBT_NerdDance!guardian_chaos on March 31st, 2012 07:23 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha!! Wow, this is hysterical. I love this! At the beginning, I'm thinking Sherlock's just being a bit of an ass, needing to get his two cents in, but as the evidence accumulated, I had to snicker because it was an overwash of horribleness between these two people that were getting married.

Spectacular details in this! I really liked how Sherlock was watching the panicked glances between involved parties, even as he continued to call them out. How very Sherlock.

I'd have put money on a divorce in five years or less. Really vicar? You were thinking less that than? I'd have thought a man like you would have more faith.

BAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Favorite part. That and the fight. Oh gosh, this sounds like a fun wedding to be at. Just...the hysteria, spreading outwards like a plague. XD

Edited at 2012-03-31 07:23 pm (UTC)